One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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