my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
