this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
