everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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