But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Sober January is a disaster.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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