I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
