You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
