I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
