She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
