You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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