he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
