A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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