checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
