ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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