I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
