The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you will always have a special place in my vag
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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