i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
