i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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