a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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