no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
