The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
