Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
