wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My bed smells like the plague
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
