so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
