I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
