Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
