If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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