John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
