I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
