i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
