Where did you get a picture of my penis
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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