just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
