I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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