i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
