why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
