I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
