I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
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