I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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