Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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