i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Are my feet made of real feet?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
