Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
