her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
