im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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