sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
