I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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