Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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