Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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