I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
