you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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