Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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