Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
